Today we mourn the future-planner that I was prior to attending college and graduating college. We mourn the young lady who mapped out her entire life to the tee. The one who counted and assigned the years to a dream.

We mourn. I mourn.

A day or two ago, I joined a morning meeting with an architectural program advisor for the University of Florida, in which I was inquiring about what exactly happened with my application to their program. To which he proceeded to tell me I hadn’t been accepted BUT that the admission committee had seen my potential, liked the “determination” they saw in my portfolio, and that he agreed. That the letters for offering placement to the core program before offering advanced standing will go out soon. He then said he would go back to the admissions board and tell them what our meeting had been about (I expressed my desire to get better in architecture, and I wouldn’t mind doing an extra year).

To me, this was quite a blow. I began crying, devastated if you will, but my purpose is bigger than my ego, and if I wanted to produce the same quality work for my community that the students at UF do, I must put my ego on the back burner.

As much as I admire my tenacity and ambition, sometimes I just wish to be good enough. Imagine, after all the work I put into those four years of undergraduate studies, just for it to not be at standard. I’ve cried, I’ve yelled, I’ve given up, I’ve started again, I’ve stressed, I’ve danced, I’ve laughed, I’ve prayed, I’ve cried again. It made me feel like I had just wasted four years of my life. Made me look really close at the hand I’ve been dealt in life, and I just don’t get it. How do I go from being one of the best in my class, to not being up to the standard for my level?

Why must I go through this? I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of having to put in extra work or not being up to par. And I get it; I haven’t had the best start, but still. I’m still thankful for my experience at FAMU, but man…

Luckily, he said he would talk to them and relay all that we’ve talked about and what he’s learned about me over to them (though i’m sure that he has no bearing on the result). I’m unsure of what outcome this may bare but I hope I get in. I don’t know how I’ll pay for it but we may see.

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You see, this is a common theme in my life. This dance where, one time I’m good enough, then the next I’m not. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t care to be glazed, but damn, can a sista order some consistency for once? I’m unsure of what’s next and it’s been a weird limbo of relief and panic.

On one hand, I’m relieved to let go and let God, to finally breathe and relax, but on the other, it’s like I’m tryna keep up. My classmates are returning to FAMU in the fall and will be professionals one year later, while I will probably be in school for another two years. I’ll be living at home, probably working, but focusing on school, watching as life passes me by. Not saying that that time won’t be filled with wonderful memories and opportunities at growth in all aspects of my life but—

Bottom line is, I feel behind despite my youth. I understand that my wishes to advocate for, preserve, and reinvest in my community spatially are goals that may require extra detail or steps. However, why does it feel like I can’t compete on par with my peers? Anywho, I’m out.