Today,

My spirit felt stirred, yearning for the spirit of the Lord. I don’t know when I drifted so far or why I stopped seeking him out, but it was today that I finally asked where he was.

For years, I’ve had this push to start the Esther fast, a year of determination, half detoxification and half beauty prep. I wondered why I was being pushed, but when you have the dreams I do, it was imperative for God to place you in a position to refine yourself, removing the impurities.

So today, July 20th of the year of our Lord, 2026, I asked where God was. What had he thought of my path so far? Is he rooting me on, from afar? Or is he saddened by my distance? Maybe both? A girl could hope.

Was he disappointed in my maladaptive habits? Was he proud I’ve made progress in the gift he gave me? This may be a bit controversial, but I’d rather his disappointment than his distance. In reality, the presence of the Lord has been the most beneficial and consistent thing in my life, and without him, I feel… well, it’s indescribable.

Esther, David, Solomon, Moses, Junia.

Five different biblical and historical figures who’ve come up repeatedly in my mind for the past year. Much like the Book of Romans, the book that God consistently threw at me and led to my first baptism. Was this his way of getting me to dive back into my word? Or perhaps commit to something again?

I had no idea, but I hope he clarifies; I do not wish for him to stay away from me. Leaving me with this unhinged world. I can’t bear it.

______________________

My heart is sore. I’m worried that I’ve disappointed the Lord; maybe that’s why he’s gone from me. I hope he knows that I’m trying my best, that I am terribly sorry. I don’t think I can bear to lose him, too; I’ve lost enough.

I am in anguish. Like a tortured poet, yearning for complete romance. I don’t mean to make this seem animated or poetic; I am raw.

Thank you for listening anyway, my fellow reader. You are appreciated.